Why am I afraid all the time? I wouldn't wish this feeling of fear on my worst enemy... It comes out of nowhere, often without any trigger. It leaves me scared, with a rapid heart beat, and often times feeling depressed. Tonight I am feeling fear of my future. I keep asking myself-Will I be able to go through pregnancy again without my anxiety meds? This is the question that has been on my mind all night long. I have tried to distract myself with a funny movie, bring my attention to the present moment, breathe and rationalize my way out of these anxious thoughts. Yet I still have them; they will not let up. While I took antidepress ants throughout my last pregnancy, I was told by the medical profession to not take my anxiety meds. I had severe insomnia and cried my whole way through those 40 weeks. The feelings of fear were extremely real for me and would not subside despite hours spent with both my psychiatrist and my therapist. I have spent so much time and energy analyzing my past traumas, trying to pinpoint what the cause of these fears are. Doing so only makes the problem worse as I have no real concrete answer. Furthermore, social media only compounds my unhappiness, as I often find myself feeling envious of people who seem "genuinely happy" or "anxiety/depression free." I know that these are issues that I need to continue to work on in myself.
Our society does not have much information on antepartum depression and anxiety and because I went through hell, fear over my next pregnancy is crippling and often times unbearable. I know that I do not have to have another child, and my partner supports this decision, but why should I let my anxiety win? Strength in this moment is knowing that when the time comes, I can and I will do it again. I have made it through those 40 weeks before. Thank you for reading this... It has been a healthy outlet for me to address my thoughts and fears this evening.
Anonymous, thank you so much for sharing your post with us. Your honesty about your fears and anxiety is what makes you so strong. We're so glad you found us and that you're investing the care and time for self-discovery that you deserve. We're with you.
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